The Gray

I’ve worked really hard to be comfortable in what I refer to as “the gray.” Being comfortable in the gray is the concept of feeling comfortable with the fact that very few things are fully true. Wholly binary arguments dismiss other perspectives: whether they’re unknown or intentionally unheeded. People’s belief in a truth seems to be dictated by their tribe’s mostly-unanimous agreement of their specific truth’s infallibility. The reason seems to be because the human animal is terribly vulnerable alone, and their (our) survival rests far more on social agreement than it does accuracy.

I was recently challenged by working with someone who’s beliefs are quite different than mine. I respect their right to believe different than I do. I also had to make a choice of whether I’d continue working with them.

Some history for context:

I don’t work with assholes.

I don’t.

I won’t.

I have.

I won’t every again… probably and hopefully.

The mantra of “don’t work with assholes” has permeated my business culture and decision-making for the greater part of the last decade. I don’t regret the difficult choices we’ve been forced to make when “we really needed the money.” I equally honor the erroneous subjectivity of this philosophy. How do I define an asshole? I probably can’t, but I’m going to try.

I don’t want to question whether a friend or client is going to be honest, reasonable, or honorable if I’m not present; in the same way, they shouldn’t and don’t have to question me. I’m also 100% comfortable with mistakes and unethical actions after a person or corporation has addressed an issue with honesty and vulnerability. I’m not mistake-less or perfect (at all). I want others to forgive me WHEN a decision I make is not aligned with their (or my) expectations. I try to offer the same forgiveness and “forgetness” when the tables are turned.

I was recently working with some people who were from a different walk of life (different country, culture, religion, etc.). Something came up that indicated their subtle (or not-so-subtle) muting of women’s involvement in what they do. I had a hard time coming to terms with what appeared to be blatant misogyny. I used to identify as a Christian, and so much of christianity’s history practiced oppressive actions against women—so often in the name of countering the possibility of lust or giving power to what I believe to be an incredibly outdated view of gender-hierarchy.

I hate the idea that anyone—whether they be a woman, black, non-binary, woman, man, white, Christian, Navajo, or anything—would be ostracized for their beliefs, birth state, or identity.

Even though I may not agree with their beliefs or approach, I realized how dogmatic my views were (and still are). I’m struggling with grasping where the no-go line is. I have a hard time understanding when my involvement with something I don’t agree with becomes a contributing factor to a bigger problem when the whole of it can also be the solution to so many other issues. This specific situation has a very positive impact on depression, suicide, drug addiction, etc.

If a belief is helping nine-ish important things and oppressing another important thing, is it lost? I’m not sure how we break down oppression when it’s veiled in so many other positives.

Who’s the asshole?

I’m still working on it.