To Mask or Not To Mask

After realizing my autistic brain’s survival in a “normal” world required/(maybe) requires an artful masking technique in order to be “okay,” I’ve been exploring how an active, anti-masking approach to living would impact myself, my family, and my friends. 

The first task was to identify how I was masking; prior to my ASD diagnosis, I never really knew I was doing it. I used to unconsciously mask just to survive in a world that operates differently than I do. As I’ve tried to unmask as much as possible, I’ve unintentionally caused harm and/or stress to the people closest to me. If I don’t pretend to be okay, it becomes apparent to some people that the things that shut me down are affecting me: and therefor, them.

Masking used to be (and sometimes still is) unintentional, but if I’m aware I’m doing it to prevent pain for others, I’m starting to think it might be better to do in some situations.

Maybe masking is a tool I should use to protect others from my autistic struggles that could affect them. When I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, I’m able to kick into what I’ve called “survival mode” that convinces almost anyone that I’m okay: and, sometimes (like most of my life) me.

I’m curious about the power of placebo vs. nocebo. 

Maybe (and likely), pretending to be okay through masking has a similarly-positive outcome as a placebo. Maybe, in the same light, actively exploring the lack of masking has the opposite consequence of affirming the impact of a struggle.

At this point, I don’t inherently believe that intentional masking is a bad thing: everyone does it. Something I don’t feel like I do is change when I’m in the presence of someone “more dominant” than me. I don’t feel like anyone’s more dominant (or less so) than I am. I don’t see the world that way (that I’m aware of), but I see many others mask in these situations. Some people pretend to be more successful than they are, pretend to understand something they don’t as an effort to curb possible embarrassment, and unconfidently act out unconfident assertiveness (which usually comes out as aggression instead of assertiveness). I see it all as masking: acts of presenting yourself to the world in a way you want the world to see you instead of being yourself.

My fear is that I start masking again in ways that consciously convince me that I’m okay while subconsciously affirming the idea that the world doesn’t accept me as me. Maybe this, in some ways, is the baseline of socialization.

I’m still learning, and sure as hell don’t have things figured out.