Imposter Syndrome

In the mid-2000s, I started dabbling in video production. I had no knowledge of how to use a camera or edit. Motion graphics seemed like magic to me. I was hooked. Since then, we built a commercial film company that’s still very much thriving in 2022.

That’s not the point. Why was filmmaking easy for me to push into while music has been so hard to confidently pursue?

It’s not an ability issue. It’s a fear issue.

I realized my ability to push into filmmaking was tied to the fact that I’m “not supposed” to be good at filmmaking. I became a competent commercial filmmaker (and, of course, I continue to grow those skills all of the time). Music, on the other hand, has been a skill I was “supposed to be good at.” So, the fear of failure is high. I have grace for my younger self’s reasoning for this, but these realities are all in my head. I want to be done being afraid.

I don’t remember a time I didn’t know how to play the piano. Music is my first language. Family folklore says I played six or seven melodies before I said my first word (my dog’s name, Alex).

My childhood memories are speckled with others’ requests to play songs for them. I loved the attention, but I became keenly aware of how un-special compliments started to feel. Positive feedback became the norm, and the fear of being rejected for something so incredibly personal to me took over.

I’ve never stopped playing music. I’ve done stints of studio work, band leading, touring, scoring, and gigging, but I’ve never really committed to it.

NOTE: I do appreciate (and don’t require or specifically prefer) positive feedback. The compliments as a child started to build a comfort zone I have been subconsciously afraid of losing.

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

An article in The Harvard Business Review says, “Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud.” I’d like to thank google for finding that for me, and no, I haven’t read that whole article yet (and might not).

I’m cognitively aware of my competence with my specific areas of filmmaking and music. With film, I’m confident and happy to be in charge. With music, I’m emotionally impacted by the fear of failure.

Haha. LOL. WTF. Failure.

When it comes to creating, I don’t want to believe in failure.

Sidetrack: I’m tempted to say that NOT trying is THE failure, but I don’t exactly see my nearly-zero-chance tryout for the Olympics as a failure: I am not an Olympian and have no desire to be. I also don’t want others to feel guilty for their own lack of following something they’re interested in. I think people should do things today and tomorrow that make them happier than the things they did yesterday and yesteryear. My personal desire is to create music. End sidetrack.

I do want to create. I enjoy it.

I roast my own coffee. I enjoy woodworking. I like disc golf. I enjoy helping friends with entrepreneurial ideas. I’m nowhere near the best at any of these. Even still, I enjoy them a heck of a lot.

CREATE SPACE FOR MUSIC

All of this has been to say that I’ve been afraid and still am. And, I’m moving forward with intention and no specific goals other than to create, collaborate, and learn.

A friend of mine is flying out to Nashville to help me create a space for creating music. We’re going to see how much we can get done in about a week (which I think will be close to everything other than chair, table, and couch-shaped furniture). We have a little head-start with about half of my old studio desk he and I built in Colorado.

This year, I’m pursuing the right kinds of collaboration, growth, writing, learning, and all things non-stagnation. I need the hell out of it.